The Proposal of Mr Collins
by ToiletFacility
Summary: Modern fic!  A whole week sending clear hints to his hot cousins without reciprocation was seriously beginning to grate on William Collins' nerves.


William Collins was not a patient man. Spending a whole week sending clear hints to his attractive cousins without reciprocation was seriously grating on his nerves.

After dousing himself with pretentious cologne, he strutted into the kitchen where his Aunt Sharon sat with Elizabeth, and one of the younger girls (he couldn't tell them apart,) eating cereal and engaging in small talk about the weather.

"Excuse me, Aunt Sharon," said William.

"Yes?"

"May I request the presence of your fair-" he accompanied this with an elaborate flourish"-daughter, Elizabeth?" He dropped his car keys onto the bench, and glanced to make sure that the Porsche tag was visible. Elizabeth was well aware that he drove a Volkswagen.

Elizabeth groaned and ducked her head. Aunt Sharon laughed.

"Oh, you! Of course she will, won't you Lizzy?" she trilled

"_Mum! _If he wants to say something to me, then he can say it in front of you and Kitty!_" _

"Don't be immature, Lizzy. Stay where you are, and _we _will leave. And make sure you two behave! " Again, that awful titter.

They left. Elizabeth sighed and faced Will. _ I'd better get this over with,_ she thought.

"Elizabeth, where do I start?"

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow. "Will… "

"Oh, Elizabeth. I think you know why I'm here and what I'm about to say. The fact that you fake blatant ignorance towards my intentions only makes you ten times more beautiful. Your modesty is beautiful. Your obvious discomfort is beautiful. How is it possible that you can not know what I want right now? You're a smart girl!" Elizabeth began to speak. "No, wait! Let me finish! There was a spark between us the first time I saw you. But- hang on! Just bear with me for a moment!

Before I- before I get too carried away with this-" Elizabeth snorted. "Let me tell you that being with you would make you and I both _very_ happy. You and I have both been single for a long time, and you, look at you, still living at home!

You've heard me talking about my boss, Catherine de Bourg. She's a wonderful woman and she's quickly becoming my most esteemed friend. It's her opinion that I need a girlfriend, and I always take her advice into account.

What I'm saying to you right now has absolutely nothing to do with what your father's leaving me in his will. If anything, and I mean _anything _like that ever crosses your mind, then tell me now! I don't want any bad feeling between us when we're together. What do you say?"

Elizabeth gaped. She paused and took a deep breath. "William, I have no idea how to say this to you."

William smirked. He put his hand on her shoulder, and she flinched away.

"Oh, Lizzy. I know how hard this must be for you. Professing your affection for someone is never easy. And especially for_ you_. I doubt this is a situation you would have ever been in."

"You're awfully fast in the assumption that I'm going to say _yes. _In fact, I'm not going to! Don't take this personally William, but I don't think you and I could ever make each other happy."

William smiled condescendingly. "That's not true and you know it. Young girls have always thought that playing hard to get would make them more endearing to the opposite sex. It's a reaction I'm accustomed to. I'll have you know, Lizzy, that I don't give up too easily."

"Will, you've got to be joking. You're my cousin! And the fact that you insist after my clear refusal isn't endearing you to me at all."

"_Oh, Will, you're my cousin!" _he mimicked in a sing-song voice. "Is that the best you have? Einstein didn't believe his cousin was beneath him and neither do I. Why not spare us both the valuable time and admit to yourself how you truly feel?"

"Will, in any other circumstance I would admire your blind tenacity, but at the moment it's getting pretty annoying. Why can't you accept my clear _no_?"

William looked vaguely disconcerted. "I'll tell Catherine about your beauty. And I'll tell her about our mutual love of classical literature, an interest we share that you refuse to notice. I'll tell her all this because-"

Elizabeth cut him off. "Will! In any other circumstance, I would be flattered. But, at the moment, the best compliment you can give me is to _believe _what I'm telling you. Is that too much to ask?"

William took a deep breath and straightened. "Like you said, Lizzy, I'm a persistent man. I'm not giving up on this."

He looked so desperate and needy that against her better judgment, Elizabeth felt sorry for him, and softened. "Will, someday, you'll find someone far better suited for you than I am. When that day comes, you'll forget _all _about me. Then, you'll be grateful that you didn't go through with this because it would have been a huge mistake," she said kindly, and put her hand on his arm. This was the first time she had ever voluntarily touched him.

"Elizabeth, I appreciate this. I really do. You're the sweetest girl I know. How can you say we aren't meant for each other?"

Elizabeth sighed. "You know the answer to that."

"But I don't understand! You're only deluding yourself!"

Elizabeth gave him a long look that would have spoken volumes to someone more perceptive than William was. Seeing a man be so wilfully self-deceived was almost pitiful.

He drew himself up to his full height. "I can see that you're not right to give an answer. Not yet." He was trying and failing to appear unaffected. "I'll come back when- I'll come back when-" he trailed off, snatched the keys to his nonexistent Porsche and stormed out the door.


End file.
